“Some (Re)assembly Required”
Firstly, by the special request of Jigsaw Pig who was simply gasping to see more of my lovely and wonderful frogs, here is the Beefeater Frog. This, JP, is the least attractive frog in my collection and he spends his days hiding behind other, cuter frogs. A sad fate. I bought him on whim in a discount tourist trash shop in London. I have a feeling I actually bought two, which means one was given as a gift to someone. Eeep.
Anyway. The major project of today was the assembly of the cheapo exercise bike I bought (again on whim) last night. Whim has a lot to answer for. I was basically feeling bloated and disgusting and have been toying with the idea of buying one of these bikes for months, but haven’t felt up to parental comments on the matter. Last night I rang Kmart on impulse, yes they sell bikes, yes they’re open till 9. So off I went.
This afternoon (this morning was mainly spent sleeping - I set my alarm for 9am on weekends, but always just turn the bloody thing off and go back to sleep) I moved the rocking chair out of my room. That’s a simple little sentance and gives yo uthe sense that I took the chair and moved it. However, on the chair at the time was a pile of stuff including: Giant Kermit, Large plush green tree frog, large plush generic frog with a rattle in it’s head (oh I don’t know either), photo album, daggy brown jumper I can’t part with, Nicer jumper that’s still alittle too small (cough), purple and blue striped shawl, white shawl, pair of jeans, bed socks (hooray! I found my bedsocks!), $6 in change, long tie dyed socks I can’t wear in public, long chunky wooly socks (also have been looking for those), the big woven thing which could either be a floor rug or a bedspread (can’t figure out which), pile of envelopes with windows in them (always bad news), pair of large white angel wings and a tray. Under the chair was a pile of books, two large picture frames and two large photos of Bowie from his show in Melbourne (oh yeah, I remember those). Most of this stuff has been relocated, but I’ve no idea what to do with the frogs.
Feeling very brave, I tipped all the bike stuff out of the box and unwrapped it all, layed it all out on the floor and began the process of assembly. It all came together fairly quickly, everything went in to place as it should and there weren’t any missing bits. I should have known this was too good to be true, and I was right. When the time came to slot the handlebar post bit into the base, the instructions told me to connect the “computer” cable and the tension cable. I looked at the post in my hand, yes - there was the plug for the computer bit and the end of that bit of tension cable. Good. Good. Looked into the bit that this post was to be mounted in. Ah. There’s the computer connection… and nothing else. I peered down the mounting bit with a torch. Coulnd’t see anything apart from the flywheel. I flicked through the instructions and found a note that said “The plastic casing around the base of the bike does not need to be removed at any point. tampering with the case may decrease safety”. I was about to make a joke of that.
It’s interesting to note that despite their assertion that the world would end if the case was removed, the tool supplied with the bike has a phillips head screwdriver as it’s handle and there’s nothing else on that bike that needs a screwdriver except the screws holding the case together. *HP nods, meaningfully*
I opened the case with scant regard for the safety of myself or others and peered into the murky depths. The tension strap runs down the “neck” of the handlebars, around the flywheel and out the front, where it’s locked in place with a clip. The trick was getting it around the flywheel as I only had access to the front of the wheel. I threaded it all around as best as I could, put the handlebars on and followed their directions for setting the tension (”Set tension knob to minimum, unlock strap and pull until tight. Relock”). All fine. Screwed the case back together, tightened all the nuts and bolts and hopped on to try it out. Yup, pedals work, everything is good. I adjust the tension for greater resistance and hear “WHACKwhomph!” and all resistance is gone.
Threading a tension strap around a flywheel is easier if you tape the end of the strap to the wheel, then turn it slowly, guiding the strap into place. Also, tape the other end to the outside of the mount because while you’re wishing you had three hands in order to hook up the most tenuous “computer” connection you’ve ever seen and the tension strap, you’ll probably drop the end down the hole and have to start over. Just.. trust me on this. LOL.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to run to Kmart and add a sticky note to the remaining boxes under where it says “Assembly tool included”. Mine will say “But you’ll need to bring your own sticky tape”.
July 18th, 2004 at 2:21 am
Ummmm….uhhhhhh……hmmmmmm…..that frog is very…..uhhh….well, yeah….there it is.
Well done on putting the bike together. I knew you could do it despite the best efforts of these kinds of companies to keep you from ever assembling anything they produce. I swear someone sits in the back when they package up the nuts and bolts, inspects the final tally and says, "Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t find THIS or maybe THIS? Muhahaha" and then they take it out of the bag and flip it into a bin somewhere.
July 18th, 2004 at 7:50 pm
Your tact wins out, I see. Come on, just admit - this frog is hideous! hehe.
I don’t think they flip one bit from each box into the bin, I think they flick them into ANOTHER box, thereby creating one more unit for sale without the expense of manufacture.
If I vanish suddenly, you’ll know I’m right, and the Assembly Required Companies have come and got me. It’s a devilish pain, Knowing Too Much.